Hello

My name is Ryan (she/they). My medicine name is Rising Heart Woman. I belong to the Métis Nation of Alberta from Battle River Territory, born and raised on Treaty 6 & 7 lands. My maternal Swampy Cree roots lie in Manitoba with our ancestry tied to the Red River Settlement, St. Peters Indian Band (now Peguis First Nation), and northern Manitoba (Grand Rapids and The Pas). My settler European heritage comes from England, France and Scotland among other places. I'm honoured to now call Mi'kma'ki (Nova Scotia) home.

I'm honoured to share with you a bit about my story in the hopes that you will find a reflection of your own within it. It has taken me a long time to put these parts of myself into words for the world to receive. I do so trusting that it will find those who need it and that in learning more about who I am, you will feel invited to learn more about who you are.

My Journey with Health & Wellness

My body has always held so much pain. I remember being 5 years old, sitting on the living room floor screaming and crying because my body hurt so much. When I hit puberty, the pain only got worse. As I've gotten older, I've come to realize that that pain wasn't just mine. It was the same pain my ancestors felt as their children, lands, and culture were taken from them. A pain that is buried deep in our bones and spirits. The same pain that has followed me across lifetimes and worlds. I know now that that pain will stay with me until I have received the teachings that it is here to share.

In my early 20s, I found myself unable to cope. I had been seeing a therapist for 5 years for the mental and emotional turmoil and had seen numerous doctors and specialists for the physical pain, but nothing was working. After every doctors visit and therapy session, I found myself feeling worse than I had before. I was at a point where I was so very tired of living this life, I wanted everything to just stop. The thought that constantly ran through my head was "I don't want to be here", in my body, in this life, in this world. Within the hopelessness, I decided that I would give myself 1 year. 1 year of deeply committing to myself, to fundamental change and finding balance and wellness. If after 1 year of really truly trying, I still wanted to die, I would let myself. Within the first 2 months of that year, I left an abusive relationship, I started a new job, I created a daily wellness routine, and most impactful of all, I found a Shamanic Practitioner who saw me as a whole and helped me to reconnect with my spirit. Over the course of that year, I participated in my first sweat, I won a fitness challenge at my gym, I got my level 1 Reiki certification, I left my home in Alberta and moved myself and 2 dogs into an RV on Vancouver Island. My entire life changed that year. Now that's not to say the change was easy, but it was certainly easier than the life I was leaving behind. The pain in my body didn't just stop, but I found that I had more room for it. By the end of that year, there was no doubt in my mind that I could live this life. There were still days that I didn't want to be here, but those feelings began to pass more quickly.

Going through that transformation taught me that I have choice, that I can create the life I want to live. I trust now that I'm not alone, that Creator and my ancestors are walking with me. I trust that Mother Earth will hold me in safety, that Grandmother Moon will dream with me at night, and that Grandfather Sun will show me the way. Most importantly, I trust that I will build a good life for myself and I know now that it doesn't have to be hard.

Being Two-Spirited

In my family, there was no "coming out", no big conversation to be had, no fear of judgement. I always knew that whoever I was and whoever I brought home may not necessarily be understood, but would be accepted and welcomed with open arms. I understand how privileged I am to have such love in my life and I hold that same love out for those around me. This openness made labels feel rather unnecessary for me so I've always identified as queer, not really this nor that, but something else. As the term "two-spirit" came into my awareness, I found it fit well within the different aspects of myself. I use the pronouns she/they to honour both my two-spiritedness and the womb that I would not be myself without.

Though there have always been two-spirited peoples in our communities and cultures, the impacts of colonization continue to be carried forward through lateral violence. Though I've always found acceptance in my family, I have not always found acceptance in ceremony. Many ceremonies and protocols continue to demand that individuals conform to gender roles that do not make space for the wholeness of who we as two-spirit people are. This is an issue that I continue to push within the spaces I'm in and an awareness I carry as I enter the sacred spaces being held by others.

In the spaces I hold, there will never be a "men's" and "women's" side, there will never be rules about the way you cover or adorn your physical body, you will never be told that you are not welcome for the way you walk through this world.

Indigeneity & Identity

Growing up, I knew we were Métis, but I didn't really know what that meant. My family had always been very involved in supporting Indigenous wellness, but existed outside of that world. One of the first Cree words I learned that really stuck with me was "moniyaw", meaning "white (wo)man". That is what I knew we were seen as by our relatives, a light skinned person that didn't belong in cultural spaces.

That sense of 'not belonging' followed me for years and showed up in every aspect of my life. I felt like I wasn't Indigenous or white enough, woman or two-spirited enough, queer or straight enough, or worthy enough to be seen in shared spaces.

I know that I wasn't the only one who felt they didn't belong. My grandma had been a nurse for Indian Health in northern Manitoba and both of my parents worked on reserve. Though my family surrounded themselves with Indigenous ways of knowing and being, I know they didn't feel that they had the right to lean into that part of themselves. Out of all of my family though, my great Aunt Jackie did. As a young person, I didn't fully appreciate the knowledge my Aunt Jackie held, but I will always remember the summer that her and Uncle Tom came to visit and helped me build my first drum. When I began connecting with spirit in my own way, I used that drum for 3 years before making another. Since her passing, I've sought out more of the teachings that my Aunt Jackie held and am so grateful to have videos and articles carrying forward some of her knowledge.

As a young adult, I began actively seeking out opportunities to reconnect with my culture. I'd obviously been around culture, but always played the role of observer rather than an active participant. I began working for an Indigenous organization where I learned the basics; how to smudge, proper protocols, and how to respect the diversity of Indigenous cultures. From there, I began seeking out more of my own experiences and have found a more personal connection to culture and Creator. Since that first job, I've been fortunate enough to continue working with Indigenous organizations, connecting with Elders, participating in ceremony, continuously learning more about Indigenous ways of knowing and being, and being a part of the change that Indigenous peoples are making in our world.

I've come to a place of trust within my self that I do belong, that I am not just one thing, I am the combination of everyone who has come before me, of all of my experiences, of every piece of myself. My medicine is to bring together different lifetimes, lineages, cultures and teachings, to walk through this world in wholeness.